Empowering parents to raise confident, courageous, compassionate and resilient children.
10 things Children Want
As parents we have certain expectations from our children but have we ever stopped to think what our children might want? Few months ago I asked this question to a group of students (age group 7 to 14 years) and here are some interesting, impromptu responses.
“Mom I want this” said a little boy (maybe around 7 or 8 years old) running towards his mom in the supermarket.
“No we can’t buy this” replied his mom placing the toy on the shelf.
“Can’t buy? Why? I want this…please” he pleaded.
“Can’t you hear me, I said NO! That’s it” she replied, the irritation visible in her voice now.
“I said I want that, can’t you hear that” he yelled.
“Stop yelling” she yelled back.
The boy’s younger sister who was watching all this started crying loudly and the lady tried to calm her down.
“I WANT THIS!” the little boy started screaming now.
“That’s it” the mother yelled and slapped the boy. The boy looked around and hung his head, kicked the trolley and stomped towards the exit door. All the people watching this started whispering amongst themselves. The lady was in tears and her younger daughter was still crying.
“My child doesn’t concentrate”
“My child is always distracted.”
“Can you give some tips on how to concentrate?”
“While watching TV my child pays full attention but when he sits to study he is completely lost.”
These are some of the complaints that I usually receive during my coaching sessions with Parents. Growing up my dad would always say, “Concentrate” I remember my teachers telling, “Pay attention” However there was one challenge, no one ever told “How to concentrate” There were no special classes or lectures which taught us how to do something with full attention.
Our education system teaches us ‘What to learn’ however it conveniently skips the most important part, ‘How to learn’. Awareness or Attentiveness or Focus is the most basic skill yet it is not taught formally in schools. This one skill if taught effectively can help children to excel in academics and in any other creative field.
In today’s post I want to share some practical strategies that can help you/ your child to concentrate easily.
I don’t remember my daughter’s marks when she was in the 3rd grade and neither does she remember it.
However we both remember the songs on which she performed on her Annual Day. She remembers the day when her best friend forgot to bring her lunch box and how she shared her favourite Aloo Parantha with her friend. She remembers the efforts we put in the making of her EVS project, ‘Types of Houses’ and how she got an ‘Excellent’ badge for the same.
I don’t remember my daughter’s marks when she was in the 4th grade and neither does she remember it. Read more
The other day while speaking to a client, she cried, “Gayatri I’m a bad mother”
“How do you know that?” I asked
“I know” she replied
“But how do you know that you’re a bad mother?” I questioned further
“Because I don’t do things that are important for my children” she blurted.
“Things like what?” I asked
“I don’t clean their room, don’t prepare healthy breakfast every day, don’t take them to the park, and don’t tie their hair in beautiful hairstyles and….” she continued.
For the next ten minutes she continued telling me all the things she doesn’t do for her two daughters. When she focused on the things she didn’t do, she was feeling guilty and this created a self-identity that, “I am a bad mother”
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In the last four years, I’ve worked with parents, especially mothers who have the same self-identity issue. If you slow down the thought process, you’ll realize that the mental images that you’ve created are actually making you feel tired, overworked or overwhelmed.
Today I want you to consciously erase those images of a perfect mother. Erase the image of a clean house, where the toys, clothes, shoes and books are organized. Erase the image of a mother who cooks healthy breakfast every single day.
What’s worse is, if this image carries a voice with it. These voices could be of your parents, in-laws, spouse, friends, and colleagues. At times it maybe your own voice which keeps going, “You yelled, you’re a bad mother, you’re setting a bad example” and so on.
Today’s quick parenting tip:
Today I want you to look at the mental screen and observe the images you have of a perfect mother or parent. If those images give rise to an un-resourceful feeling, then I want you to erase those images, consciously, push them back, drain the colour, make them dull, kick them if that reduces the intensity and then mute those voices, (if any) reaffirm that you’re doing the best in the current situation.
Once you’ve done this, I want you to see an image of you playing, connecting, smiling and enjoying with your child. Make this image colourful, bright and beautiful. Add voices to this image, perhaps giggling sound of your children or a song/rhyme that you love to sing with them. And as you continue to play this image as a movie in your mental screen, you’ll observe that good and resourceful feelings arise and encompass your body and your identity as parent will shift, instantly.
Once you’ve tried this, I want you to leave a comment, here or share your experience at gayatri.aptekar@gmail.com.
I’ll be waiting to read your thoughts on this.
Better Parenting, Blissful Parenting!
Love & Gratitude,
Gayu
Last month before my daughter’s summer vacation began, we made a list
Get up at 7 am
Go for a walk
Play Badminton
Cycle for 30 minutes
Practice singing, dance, & keyboard
Draw/ Paint
Practice Grammar, Maths & Creative Writing
Afternoon nap for 30 minutes
Swimming
Playing
Sleep at 10pm
I’m proud to say that we consistently did all of the above things for three days… yes, you heard it right, just for three days. After the initial excitement faded away our days became memories.
“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today “
We wake up when we feel like. Somedays at 10am and on some at 6am. Some mornings I kiss my daughter’s tender fingers, as she cuddles in my arms, feeling the warmth of my touch. Some mornings I read aloud passages from my favourite Ruskin Bond novel.
Some afternoons she becomes a doctor and I, her patient. Recently she became ‘Maya Sarabhai’ and I was her middle class bahu, ‘Monisha’. Some evenings she stands beside me watching the tea boil on the gas stove, laughing at silly things. Some evenings she chops onions and tomatoes, sprinkles chaat masala, salt and squeezes half lemon. Then she licks her fingers.
Some afternoons we paint using the leaves gathered from a garden nearby. We make different shapes, alphabets and numbers using colours dark and light. We sing songs, rhymes and at times write our own poems.
Some nights as her dad goes to sleep, we stay awake, reading poetry, watching Tom & Jerry, playing with shadows and telling stories. Some days we dance on songs like, ‘Tamma Tamma Loge’ & ‘Sia-Cheap Thrills’. Some evenings before she rushes off to play, she hugs me and says, “Mumma you’re the best”
Some evenings we go to the nearby ice-cream parlor and relish our favourite flavour ice cream.
Some days we talk a lot and on some other, we embrace silence. I hope years later when my daughter will revisit her childhood days, she will recall this summer vacation and smile and maybe she’ll say, “Mumma you’re the best”
How are your vacations going on? Do you follow a routine or do you go with the flow? What activities do you enjoy doing with your children? Go ahead and write them in the comments. I’d love to read 🙂
Wish you good luck!
I grew up listening to stories. My Appa says that meal times were struggle with me, so in order to feed me food, my grandmother had to tell me a story. I’ve a treasure chest of stories in my memory and here’s one story that always reminds me that we have the power of choice.
‘Once upon a time there was a King who had a strange pain in his eyes. The entire kingdom was worried as the king was unwell. Many experts were called to treat the king, but all their efforts failed. Every night the king cried in front of Lord Shiva. He was scared if he died one day what will happen to his kingdom and his followers.
One day when he was crying, his minister brought an old man. The old man was known to treat people with his magical touch and words.
“The great king is having a rare disease. He needs rest and he can see only things which are Green in colour. If he sees any other colour, he will lose his vision” said the old man.
The king immediately ordered that every house in the kingdom be painted green. He ate green vegetables and wore only green clothes. He even applied a special green powder that made his skin colour green.
Soon the entire kingdom was covered in greenery and the king started feeling better.
Then one day the old man returned to meet the king. He was surprised to see the green kingdom. There were no colourful flowers. As he reached the palace he couldn’t recognise the king. The king’s face was Green in colour.
“What is all this? Why is the whole palace painted green?” asked the old man.
“Soldiers how did you allow him in without giving him the green robe?” yelled the king.
“Can you explain what is happening?” asked the old man.
“As per your order my eyes are seeing green colour everywhere and I am feeling much better.” replied the king.
“Oh I see. You took so much effort to paint the entire kingdom in the colour you wanted to see, so that you feel better. How much time and energy you might have put into all this. I wonder….if only you had worn a pair of green glasses, you could have seen the world green, easily and effortlessly.” said the old man and left the palace.
The king sat there and wondered….. ‘If only…’
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“The greatest power that a person possesses is the power of choice”- J Martin Kohe
Raising a child is not about providing food, clothing, shelter and education…but it’s about creating an environment where the child can grow, blissfully. A parent is the environment in which the seed called child is sown. Naturally it becomes the responsibility of a parent to provide an empowering environment, for the child to thrive. As the child grows, so does the parent. Parenting is an evolving journey. I feel a strong spiritual connection towards parenting. Through my daughter, I found myself, I found answers to questions that bothered me in all those years of ignorance. Parenting has made me discover that all the answers lie within myself and I’m the creator of the world that I live in.
Parenting has brought the realization that, at the end of it what matters is, what you choose to do with your abilities and who you choose to become. The power lies in the choices you make and parenting has unfolded the biggest awareness that, ‘There is always a choice’
In March 2013, before my daughter’s 5th birthday, I made a choice, to become a better version of myself. I chose to respond instead of reacting to her behaviour. I started observing the situations in which I lost control and here were some of the responses that never generated the result that I wanted.
“Can you clear this mess now?”
“I told you to sit for studies and you haven’t?”
“Can’t you hear? Are you deaf? How many times I’ve to repeat myself?”
“Next time I see the mess, I will throw the things in dustbin. UNDERSTOOD!”
Maybe out of fear my daughter sat to study or picked her toys, but after few days I saw the same behaviour resurface. That’s when I realized that I’ve to shift my communication style and I started to do it slowly.
Here’s how I shifted the responses:
“Can I help you clearing the mess now?”
“I see you haven’t yet started studying. Do you need any help in any subject?”
“I’m sure you can hear what I’m telling, can’t you? Any response will be appreciated.”
“We usually throw things that we don’t need like this. If this is important to you then I’m sure it has a place. How are we arranging this? Do you need any help?”
Initially my daughter was surprised at the way I responded. For few days I didn’t see much difference in her behaviour. However as I continued with similar responses….her behaviour shifted. She became more responsible and independent, gradually. After few months I observed that our relationship as a mother and daughter transformed. We connected more effortlessly and parenting became more joyful. And my 5 year old daughter commented, “Mumma I like the new you….you smile so much more and I like that.”
That was the best moment in my five years of parenting. With every passing day, I made a conscious decision, a choice to become a better version of myself and I started sharing practical tips on parenting on my Facebook page. Many parents could connect and relate to the posts on the page and queries started pouring in, via messages, emails and phone calls.
That’s when I made one more choice- to setup a website, a place where I could share my experiences as a parent and coach other parents to raise empowering, courageous, confident and compassionate children.
Feel free to join me in this journey.
Let’s build a compassionate and resilient community.
Love and Gratitude,
Gayatri Aptekar
